Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Scouting Report for Upcoming TBL Baseball Season


Those zany folks over at The Bleacher Life have come up with yet another fun idea and a great way for me to spend at least some of my time off, and that is to draft my friends onto my own personal MLB team. Following is a list of my friends, their "skills, abilities, and disposition" (which I'm guessing means in life and not just playing baseball), and the order in which they are drafted (or not!) I'm sure only 3 or 4 of my friends actually frequent this site so I don't really have to remind them to not take this seriously, but if anyone else comes across this, the message is the same. Don't take this seriously, only 50% of it is true, I just needed something to do on a Tuesday afternoon during my two weeks off.

With that in mind The End of the Dock presents the Scouting Report for the Upcoming TBL Baseball Season

EMILY WALLACE - Wife of GM Colin Wallace and a consummate professional if there ever was one. When this lady has a job to do she does it right. A vicious team player, Emily has the all around ability to play whatever position she wants, the knowledge to make an impact in any game she plays, and the athleticism to be a regular on any Plays of the Day segment. Unfortunately she has referred to GM Colin Wallace as a dumbass on a number of occasions, so look for her to go unpicked.

ADAM SMITH - Longtime fan of the game and loves his beer... this guy is a definite player. An easy going kind of guy who can turn up the intensity when needed, although he doesn't feel the need to often. Isn't rattled by too much and makes the drive to Mississauga to see his friends so you know he has good range. A righty that can't turn around and bat left, but that shouldn't stop him from being taken high in the draft.

SUE McKAY - Varsity level athlete who can read the game with uncanny ability. Has played basketball, volleyball, and run track all at high levels. Has a history of injuries though, including her left forearm (she's a lefty) and an ankle that is still not 100%. She has been doing some off season training and her schooling in Athletic Therapy should help her manage anything that comes her way this season.

JIM WARDLE - A quality athlete who talks a good game, but backs his words up. You could play dueling banjos on his tight hammys but he's a pro, he'll take care of that problem before opening day. Has the ability to get under an opponent's skin like no other, and can frequently piss off a teammate, but at the end of the day you'll know where his loyalties lie.

CHANTELLE FINLEY - Great with her hands, but grew up playing hockey and is used to that fast paced action and not the pace of a baseball game. An impatient hitter who has walked back to the dugout on a 2-0 count claiming she was bored that the pitcher hadn't thrown anything in the strike zone yet. When the batting coach tried to explain the concept of a plate appearance to her she snapped. He is now just starting to chew his meals again. She may have temper issue, but like I said, she's got good hands.

ANDREW COOPER - Has worked with young children and autistic individuals most of his post-secondary career and has been a lifetime Leafs fan so you know he has the patience most players, Chantelle Finley included, wish they had. Hasn't traveled much so the strains of a long season on the road could be a factor in his first year in the league should he be drafted. Arguably has one of the tightest bums of any of the up and comers, which should help boost the female attendees at any home or away game, which is something MLB could use.

AIDEN KENNEDY - The highest touted pitching prospect but so was Babe Ruth, and he went on to hit 714 dingers and had a lifetime average of .342, so we'll see how Kennedy's future is decided on draft day. Has a cannon for a right arm and throws a wicked slider, although doesn't always listen to his coach and throws the slider at will. Batting style a la Rickey Henderson with the speed of a Cecil Fielder (who managed to steal a few in his time). Has been a lifetime Athletics fan which could hurt his chances of a high pick on draft day.

BRIAN DeWAGNER - Has played for the Angels until he was suspended for attending a barn party while wearing his jersey. Has never been one for the rules but gets the job done, most of the time with his pants on, but sometimes bare ass. Loves the comfort of a Greyhound, and revels in the opportunity to feel the cool grass of a stadium between his toes. Has been known to take his shoes off for an inning each game earning him the nickname the Barefoot Bum. Also has been known to stash a tall can of Sierra Nevada in the crack between the pads of the outfield wall, which most managers frown on, but he maintains he plays better with a "sunset buzz." GM's may be wary to draft him after this scouting report comes out, but there has been word that GM Colin Wallace of the Haliburton Hook Line N' Sinkers employed the same tactics in his day, so look for this Barefoot Bum to be sporting the Haliburton colours at the end of the day.

ADAM FINLEY - He has been cross training like mad this off season playing indoor hockey and ultimate frisbee, which has gotten him in good shape. A very focused player who gets the job done and doesn't waver, Adam is a great addition to any team. Spent most of his cross training playing defense, which could help him go high in the draft for any team looking to fill a gap in their defensive setup. The kid has a great eye at the plate and spends his time training for this by taking pictures, which he posts on his site for GMs and scouts to see.

ANNE COWANS - Great at PR and talking to the media, and she's not hard to look at either. Very athletic individual who can adapt to any situation and fit in with anyone that you'd think they have been best friends for life. Had a great career as a softball pitcher but loved the sauce so much she drank herself out of the game. Trying to make a comeback but has been quoted as saying "I love the game. I love everything about the game so much that I had to make a decision. It was either the game or the sauce. I chose the game." (It should be noted that Ms. Cowans was very protective of her water bottle and seemed to slur her words more towards the end of the interview.)

CARLOS ABRANTES - Boyfriend of the sister of GM Colin Wallace, so look for him to be part of the Haliburton family, lest Mr. Wallace wants to not be a part of his family at day's end. Great soccer player with good stamina and the ability to knock the tar out of someone in one shot. It is this quality that has catcher's trembling when Carlos is heading full steam towards home. Proud recipient of the Jose Canseco Highlight of the Year Award in '99, when Carlos, while a fellow teammate was being intentionally walked, broke for home after the catcher, Clayton McVolvo, had caught ball three. They collided at home in a horrific meeting of skulls and Clayton was left motionless for 3 months. One player described the incident as such: "The shattering of Clayton's cranium was so loud that 14 fans in the upper deck threw up. Personally, a bone in my right hand and 3 of my ribs broke because I was so close to the sound of the collision." Look for Carlos to go top 3 as catchers have already been pressuring their GMs to pick him or else they walk.

JOHN O'KELLY - A crazy Irishman who can dance up a mean storm. He'll be a hit on the road with the ladies. Has no problem hitting on ladies on the road too. Has had UFC training so look for him to hit some of his opponents if need be. Flew all the way from Ireland to Canada for a friend's wedding so you know his loyalties will be strong for whatever team he plays for. Can take a lot of pain and has the scars to prove it

KEVIN PHILLIPS - Another soccer player with the ability to play other sports too. This guy's energy levels are never in doubt, and his knack of handling a high workload is proven making him a quality pick. Loves to take his clothes off after a few drinks which could put him in trouble with the law early on in the season, but those who know GM Colin Wallace and his history will be expecting him to pick KP on draft day. Although us scouts have been wrong before.

COURTNEY THORNE - A linguistics professional who can rape you physically AND verbally, Courtney is a force to be reckoned with. She is also a very competitive individual who does not take losing lightly, making it very frustrating for her opponents to win back to back games against her pitchers. The verbal rapage she doles out doesn't hurt either.

STEPHEN HUNT - Great kid who has World Championship and Olympic Gold Medals slung around his sharp, bony shoulders. Stephen has a great arm but has been known to be a clutz on the bases, as his shoes sometimes end up on the wrong feet. A solid pick for any club but as a native from Sweden he will have trouble with the English language.

ARVIN KIM - The only power hitter with a bigger soft spot in his heart than on his 42" bat. Some scouts might say that this could hurt Arvin in key at bats, but those are the scouts that haven't seen Arvin in the gym. He's a ferocious f*&!(@ with arms the size of sequoias and he knows how to use them. Great patience and has been known to squeeze water from a baseball at a Diamondbacks game.

CHRIS WEVERS - The only thing slower than Wevers speaking is the opposing pitcher's ability to figure him out at the plate. A football man trying to make his name as a baseball player such as the great Bo Jackson and the not so great Deion Sanders.

NATALIE WALLACE - Cousin of GM Colin Wallace, and triple jumper extraordinaire. Natalie's knowledge of nutrition should keep her healthy for the entire season, and her streak of 1,637 game played is 3rd all time. She strikes out frequently and busts a gut laughing about it which is why she has not been a very consistent hitter, but her prowess in the field in incomparable.

CHRIS KAISER - Has seen his career go in a slow nose dive in recent years with the excess drinking and smoking, but has vowed to turn it around and give fame and glory one more shot.

JAY LEUNG - This Chinese sensation has been tearing up every league he's been in, and has been doing it wearing khaki's. Each league has tried to force him to wear regulation pants, even threatening to suspend him, but attendance drops when he's not playing so its just not an option.

SARAH QUIGLEY
- A smart cookie who can give you the verbal rapage just as good as Thorne, and who loves to party just as much too. Has been fined millions over the years as she is constantly late for games and practices because she takes about 4 hours to get ready for a game.

KIERAN WALLACE - GM Colin Wallace will have a tough time this draft day as he has a few family members participating in the draft. Makes for awkward holidays when you get offered the smallest chicken wing and a Coors Light for your dinner. Kieran has a great knowledge of the game, having spent time with national level athletes and playing hurling (national sport of Ireland) at an elite level. Having spent the last few years on the golf course instead of the diamond Kieran may be the man to manage the Haliburton Hook Line N' Sinkers to their first winning season in 18 years.

16 comments:

Sixth and Elm said...

HA! Good stuff. I haven't seen Jay in a while, but I remember him "Khaki-ing" a few races in his time.

And by the way, that son-of-a-fish coach had it coming.

Colin said...

Sure he did. Keep telling the judge that and push back your jail sentence to the end of the season.

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