By Roscoe Stonewall
HALIBURTON (Haliburton Daily Press Release)
Its 1589 miles, or so, from Cheyenne, Wyoming, to Haliburton, Ontario, and no one feels the distance more than the Hook Line N' Sinkers starting pitcher Chris Kaiser.
Kaiser was a highly touted prospect out of Calgary, a high school kid with a major league arm who grew up too fast in front of millions of fans. Every 5 days he would find himself facing hitters who could grow a mustache in less than a week, yet all he could manage was a cracking voice and a few curlys down below. His career fell by the wayside as his personal life made its way onto the headlines more and more, cultivating in a televised police chase in which Kaiser, driven by a friend in a '76 Pinto, made a run for the border after being accused of a crime he adamantly denies to this day. The sad horror of the story is that he was fleeing to the border between Alberta and Saskatchewan, and before police nabbed him when he stopped across the border he made sure to flip the coppers the bird. Kaiser noted this as the turning point of his life.
He also believes this was the turning point of his career. "...considering my off season consisted of smoking darts like it was my job and consuming copious amounts of alcohol I guess there is no where to go but up." GM Colin Wallace seems to feel the same way, and signed Kaiser to a 3 year, multi-million dollar contract with a unique signing bonus. For every strikeout that Kaiser puts up on the board, Wallace has claimed that he will personally donate $1 to the Christopher Kaiser 1980's Metal Hair Band Relief Fund. "The organization is something I'm proud of," states Kaiser, "I'm able to help a lot of people who really and truly deserve the help. You know, men who can wear make up and tights and still pull off 'cool'." Kaiser points out that Motley Crue have greatly benefited from the organization and a new Cinderella album is in the works thanks to the charity.
"In Haliburton I will stick to the strippers as a means of booty calls"
The laid back life style of a Haliburtish native is much more than a stone's throw from that of the fast paced Cheyennenite. As a mature man of 23, Kaiser believes he can adapt to the way of life up here, although it will take some getting used to. "Not gonna lie but at first I was a little skeptical coming to a place like Haliburton to continue my dwindling baseball career." He notes that the organization and the community received him with open arms, but one team member was disappointed at the lack of minorities represented on the team. "Kris Vargas... was upset at the lack of minorities ... and he told me flat out it was great to have me on the team but he would like me more if I was from Japan or the Phillipenes." When asked about this comment, GM Colin Wallace was taken aback. "I can't believe one of our own players would say this. Its outrageous. Racism is not a part of the Haliburton code of conduct." Vargas was subsequently taken out back, flogged, and then stoned. Wallace assures, however, that Vargas will be ready for opening day.
One group not looking forward to Kaiser's appearances on the mound is the local Haliburton chicken community. Known for sacrificing a live chicken before each game he is scheduled to pitch, Kaiser is wary of how his superstition will go over in his new PETA-favoured neighbourhood. "That is one superstition that will never die", vows Kaiser.
There have been those who questioned Wallace's decision to sign Kaiser to such a lucrative contract. 5 teams in 3 years is a feat that few can lay claim to, but Kaiser is certain that this is a team he can actually finish his contract with, and possibly earn an extension. "My last 3 years are something I would rather not talk about, and I might add 3 of those trades were not due to my playing abilities but I had slept with some owners wives and from then on it was all down hill on those teams." Seeing as how most MLB team owners are in their sixties, along with their wives, it solidified the fact that Kaiser had hit rock bottom. "In Haliburton, I will stick to the strippers as a means of booty calls", says Kaiser, who will be happy to know that the Haliburton stripper community is being recognized as the "Next Las Vegas", although this reporter has never visited any of the clubs and is unaware that The Pink Canoe Gentleman's Club and Shrimp Emporium has the best porterhouse this side of the Mississippi.
The upcoming season is one of hopes and dreams for pitcher Chris Kaiser, and also his fans. In order to be successful he needs to "... lay off the Du Maurier's and stay out of flavour country." GM Colin Wallace believes he can do so, which has seemed to spark a fire in Kaiser, as he believes he is "... highly committed to the success of this team..." and he is "... looking forward to his upcoming 3 seasons in Haliburton." Forever a fan of glam rock and a cocky bastard, Kaiser would like to send out a warning to those daring to try and win at Haliburton Stadium this year. "Do you know where the f--- you are??? You're in the jungle baby!!! Wake up... time to ddddiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!"
Roscoe is a Christian and opposed to drinking during the week, even though he was offered a drink several times and suspects his virgin vodka and sprite, which started off smooth, got awful tangy by the last sip during his interview with Christopher Kaiser, and so he suspects Mr. Kaiser spiked his drink. Roscoe also admits that he has never had so much fun playing Guitar Hero, and even made it to Intermediate Level by the end of the evening.
