10 Things Women Didn't Know About Men

A LONG time ago, a friend of mine asked me to come up with this list, and I recently went thru my blog posts and found a draft with this title, and nothing following. So here is my (extremely late) attempt at this list.

1. When we're watching sports, there are a million things going on in our head. So your request for us to take out the garbage can get lost in the jumble of thoughts easier than a midget in a crowded elevator.

What you see when a baseball game is on TV: Pitcher holding a ball about to throw it to a guy squatting behind a plate, and a bunch of numbers scrolling across the top of the screen.

What we see during that same time: Pitcher is set. Bottom of the 7th. 1 out. Runners on 1st and 3rd. 3rd pitcher of the inning on for the away team as the home team chips away at the lead that was established after a BRUTAL opening inning for our boys. The count is 2-2, so you know anything close the batter will be swinging, and you're praying to God that if its going to result in an out that he at least make contact, and that the ball at least makes it far enough into the outfield to score the run on third. But who is on third? Does he have the speed? Where is the outfield playing? Where is the pitching pitching the ball? Inside? Outside? Are they holding the runner on at 1st? Odds are that yes, they're holding him there. Bastards. Gotta keep him close to keep the double play alive. He's thrown fastball, fastball, slider, fastball and he got the guy good with that slider, so you're expecting another slider, but wonder if the batter is thinking the same thing. So you're fucking willing him to know... telepathically shooting those thoughts across the void of space to his head! Then he swings wildly at the slider (he was looking for fastball up) and its a neat grounder to short, where the double play starts. The helmet must've been blocking your ESP.

After all that we're supposed to remember the garbage???

2. I can see why Pretty Woman or Grease are extremely popular movies among women, even Titanic. Well, maybe not Titanic. But definitely the first two. I mean, Pretty Woman is basically Cinderella if Cinderella was a major slut and hooked on the wrong side of the moat, and Grease is... well... Grease is John Travolta before Scientology and too many IHOP breakfasts, so I can see why that would be popular. I'm not saying I enjoy those movies, but I understand why you do. So is it too much to RECOGNIZE that Field of Dreams, The Big Lebowski, Swingers, and Bull Durham (to name a few) encapsulate what a man should aspire to be?!? Sheesh people... I'm not saying UNDERSTAND, but just be aware that when Ray Kinsella asks his Dad to have a catch at the end of Field of Dreams, I'm going to start blubbering like a freakin' baby. Or when Crash Davis finally gets Annie to shut the hell up with the I Believe Speech, well that was just a great moment in cinematic history. I kid you not. Check it out here. (CRASH DAVIS - I BELIEVE SPEECH)

3. Talking on the phone is not fun. We want the details. That is all. Then we hang up. A phone call should be like a text message.

Exceptions:
Long distance relationships
If you are in a not-so-nice part of town and its late
If you are in danger
Death in the family

Thats really all the important stuff I could think of off the top of my head. But shouldn't that be enough?

4. Do NOT tamper with my running shoes. (this one may just apply to me...)

5. Digging into our baseball card collection and pulling out a 1989 Gary Gaetti card with him in the Twins pinstripes brings back memories of childhood for us. Those memories may have nothing to do with the card itself. "Oh hey look!! My 1992 Bobby Bonilla!! Wow, that takes me back to this one camping trip with my Dad where we caught the biggest fish I have ever seen come out of a lake. Great times." Each card is like a journal entry or a diary confession, so give us a break when we go thru them. We're reminiscing.

Thats all I have right now. I could go back and change the title of this post, but I don't want to. The other 5 may follow in the next couple days.

1 minute, 22 seconds, but I'm still dead.

My friend Tellie has a great blog with some very interesting posts on it. One in particular was about how long she would survive were she chained to the same bed as a Velociraptor. Yes thats right, the same dinosaur that ripped a few people a new arse hole in Jurassic Park (the first one for sure, but I can't remember the 2nd or 3rd ones). So I thought I'd see how long I could survive, and I did a bit better! 1 min 22 seconds. 54 seconds longer than Tellie! However, this is just 54 more seconds for me to shit/piss my pants before the Velociraptor's stomach starts turning me into poo poo.

I could survive for 1 minute, 22 seconds chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor

Created by Bunk Beds.net

Oh well.

"Unwritten"

Last night I got to be a part of two amazing events, which were both piled into one evening.  1st off it was a retirement party for one of my profs, Anne Hartley.  2nd it was the last banquet I will have as a Sheridan student.  Both of these events together led to a great idea by another prof, Kirsty.  This video is the result of hard work, rehearsals, a soundcheck, and time invested by 3 very busy students and one amazing professor.  Enjoy.

A Cacophony of Epiphanies...

For whatever reason I have been following the MLB postseason playoffs with the same acute attention an acne ridden teenager gives his face the day before prom, and the conversation that took place this evening between my friend Adam and myself only heightened my awareness of baseball and the infinite possibilities the game possesses.

While watching the Indians trying desperately to hold off those damn Yanks, Adam and I came up with one of the greatest ideas I have ever been a part of, including those ideas that never came to fruition. By God I hope this one does. I realize this has been done before, and there have been a couple people that have accomplished this within the confines of a singular summer, but it is still an exciting idea. We are going to hit every single ballpark. All of them. We will even travel to Dolphin Stadium in Miami Gardens, Florida to see the Marlins play (which will officially make us the attendees that have traveled the furthest to see a Marlins game.... ever.) We have decided that next year we are heading to New York to see both a Yankees game and a Mets game. Once those are done we are heading to Boston to see a Red Sox game, and then finishing our tour in Chicago to see a White Sox game and a Cubs game. 5 stadiums, one trip. Throw in a Skydome (I will never call it the Rogers Centre) game at some point next summer and that is 6 stadiums in one summer. Beauty.

There are rules which need to be discussed should anyone want to be included in this (its open to everyone... bee tee dubs), and they are as follows:

1. An official home jersey of the team whose stadium you are attending must be purchased at each stadium prior to the game. No exceptions.

2. Those who want to be included in this expedition must attend every game we do, or else you buy the beer at the next game you are at.

3. Stadiums that are scheduled to be demolished have priority on the list.

4. Each time a team builds a new stadium, that new stadium must be visited. Having been at U.S. Cellular Field does not automatically exempt you from any future Chicago White Sox stadiums.

5. A picture must be taken of you outside the stadium with the name of the stadium in full view.

6. Ticket stubs MUST be saved.

7. At least one game out of all the games you attend must be a postseason game.

8. Colin will shit himself as soon as he walks into Citizens Bank Park, home of his beloved Philadelphia Phillies.

9. Bonus points for being invited into the dugout or getting autographs during the course of BP or the game.

10. Point system will be determined at a later time.

11. If another Canadian team enters the foray, they must be given priority.

12. Jason Blake has been diagnosed with leukemia. This isn't really a rule in any shape or form, but it just needs to be said. My first thought on this was "The Leafs have no luck whatsover." Then I felt bad for Jason Blake.

13. We are considering implementing an RV into the equation.

14. Adam will be buying a fitted hat for himself at each stadium. Those who follow suit will probably be awarded bonus points from Adam.

15. Adam and Colin are the sole giver outers of bonus points.

16. The jersey that you purchase before each game must be worn at said game, and the wearer must cheer on the home team. (EXCEPTION TO THIS RULE: Colin will cheer for Philadelphia regardless of ballpark attended.)

17. If there is a Hall of Fame of any sorts in a city, it must be included in the trip.

18. MLB games last 9 innings. You will stay for the full 9 innings.

19. According to Bruce, we "need rules to enforce the negative." (I'm sitting here with him and I have no clue what he's talking about. We are possibly drunk.)

20. If you catch a foul ball at a stadium, you win that day.

21. An official scorecard must be signed be each attendee that game.

22. The home jersey purchased must be worn regardless of inclement weather.

23. Once the stadium tour has been completed, bottles of champagne shall be sprayed by everyone who was a part of the fantasticness.

So these are the rules as of now. Stay tuned for updates (seeing as how I update this site regularly.... does sarcasm get across on this thing?). Yeah, so, updates on points and rules and a schedule of events are going to follow. At some point. Not sure when, but it'll happen.

Baximan

Gregory Marshall North (Greggie)

After almost 27 years of being taught how to walk, talk, and perform daily tasks most of us find rudimentary, the last lesson to be taught was his to teach. It outweighed any lesson he may have been taught in his life, because his lesson to us, was a lesson on how to truly live.

In the six short years I knew him, I feel I formed an accurate picture of who he was, and I believe one word sums it up. Genuine. Many people strive to achieve to be genuine, many people claim to be genuine, but very few are. To me it is the most important trait any human being can have. To be completely, altogether, and perfectly, genuine. There was nothing about his character that was false. Nothing about his soul that was untrue.

One might wonder where he could have possibly learned this precious trait, seeing as though he had a tough time with other simple tasks. Well that’s easy. One needs only to look at his family and friends. His mother, whose strength, compassion, diligence, and unwavering love for him outweighed any negative emotion or feeling this world has to offer. His father and step-mother, whose love introduced him to a whole new family, but more importantly, introduced a whole new family to him. His brother, who could bring a smile to his face no matter how dire the situation, or how strong the fight was against his body. His sister, my wife, whose powerful love made him do the impossible. Greg saying the word "sista" after years of having no voice of his own was a gift only Emily could give. Although I have only met Tony a handful of times, I can guarantee you he is one of the strongest people I have ever met, and for him and Greg to have found each other makes me believe that we may not be led to where we're going in life, but there is something out there that wants us to get where we're going as easily as possible. The entire North family and their complete and utter devotion to his happiness is a living testament to the strength this family has. The staff at the Corsair Group Home is nothing short of paramount. Each and every one of us whether we realize it or not, has a foundation of support that allows us to grow into the person we can be. The Corsair Group Home and its staff were that foundation for Greggie; nothing short of the best in the world. To know his family and support group is to know that Greg was surrounded by and assisted by the perfect people for him.

Greggie was one of the most inspirational people this world has ever seen. No television program, magazine, newspaper, or internet site will tell you that, and absolutely none of that matters. He was our gift, our teacher. Only being in his presence could you feel the warmth he had to offer. Everyone who met him instantly fell in love with him, and we were all lucky to have experienced that. I'm sure everyone who reads this has their own personal "Greg" story. That tells us something doesn't it? Everyone in his life was affected by this one person. I can only imagine the power he must have had to be able to influence this many people, and I can only dream of having that much positive influence on the world. Without trying, Greggie had that confidence, strength of character, and positive power on people. His sense of humour was also captivating. You could walk into the same room as Greggie and within seconds you would be laughing at how real he was being and how real he made you want to be. I've always said the best meal you can eat is with nothing but your hands. If that description holds true, then EVERY meal became Greg's favourite meal! Mashed potatoes, cheesecake, chocolate Easter eggs, whatever he could get his hands on became the "food of the moment". His willingness to take nothing in life, not even the simple pleasures, for granted, should serve as grounds for everyone to base their life upon.

Like many who knew him, I have shed tears over the passing of Greggie. The emotions I have felt have not been expressed in one extended crying session, but at random times over the past couple days. While making breakfast Monday morning, or showering, while listening to a song, or just talking to my mom on the phone, I have had bursts of emotion. Never more than a minute long, but each was intense. Each time I cried the emotions I had inside me poured out in the form of tears, and some frustration. But with each period of tears came the inspiration to write a few words about the Greg North that I knew. The best tears I cried became these words, and I hope that, to his family and close friends, they are enough to capture even just a tiny bit of the person he truly was, the family he truly loved, and his lessons which will stick with us until our last day. I consider myself sincerely lucky to have been one of the people in Greg's life to have been able to say "Hi Greggie" and gotten a reaction from him. Whether it was a smile, a touch, or a fart in my general direction! To have known him, to know and love his family, and to whole heartedly love his sister makes me unequivocally happy. And to feel THAT is my first step to being more like Greg, which is what I genuinely aspire to be.

Trading Darts For Baseballs

Chris Kaiser Attempts to Turn it Around. But Can it Last?





By Roscoe Stonewall

HALIBURTON (Haliburton Daily Press Release)
Its 1589 miles, or so, from Cheyenne, Wyoming, to Haliburton, Ontario, and no one feels the distance more than the Hook Line N' Sinkers starting pitcher Chris Kaiser.

Kaiser was a highly touted prospect out of Calgary, a high school kid with a major league arm who grew up too fast in front of millions of fans. Every 5 days he would find himself facing hitters who could grow a mustache in less than a week, yet all he could manage was a cracking voice and a few curlys down below. His career fell by the wayside as his personal life made its way onto the headlines more and more, cultivating in a televised police chase in which Kaiser, driven by a friend in a '76 Pinto, made a run for the border after being accused of a crime he adamantly denies to this day. The sad horror of the story is that he was fleeing to the border between Alberta and Saskatchewan, and before police nabbed him when he stopped across the border he made sure to flip the coppers the bird. Kaiser noted this as the turning point of his life.

He also believes this was the turning point of his career. "...considering my off season consisted of smoking darts like it was my job and consuming copious amounts of alcohol I guess there is no where to go but up." GM Colin Wallace seems to feel the same way, and signed Kaiser to a 3 year, multi-million dollar contract with a unique signing bonus. For every strikeout that Kaiser puts up on the board, Wallace has claimed that he will personally donate $1 to the Christopher Kaiser 1980's Metal Hair Band Relief Fund. "The organization is something I'm proud of," states Kaiser, "I'm able to help a lot of people who really and truly deserve the help. You know, men who can wear make up and tights and still pull off 'cool'." Kaiser points out that Motley Crue have greatly benefited from the organization and a new Cinderella album is in the works thanks to the charity.

"In Haliburton I will stick to the strippers as a means of booty calls"

The laid back life style of a Haliburtish native is much more than a stone's throw from that of the fast paced Cheyennenite. As a mature man of 23, Kaiser believes he can adapt to the way of life up here, although it will take some getting used to. "Not gonna lie but at first I was a little skeptical coming to a place like Haliburton to continue my dwindling baseball career." He notes that the organization and the community received him with open arms, but one team member was disappointed at the lack of minorities represented on the team. "Kris Vargas... was upset at the lack of minorities ... and he told me flat out it was great to have me on the team but he would like me more if I was from Japan or the Phillipenes." When asked about this comment, GM Colin Wallace was taken aback. "I can't believe one of our own players would say this. Its outrageous. Racism is not a part of the Haliburton code of conduct." Vargas was subsequently taken out back, flogged, and then stoned. Wallace assures, however, that Vargas will be ready for opening day.

One group not looking forward to Kaiser's appearances on the mound is the local Haliburton chicken community. Known for sacrificing a live chicken before each game he is scheduled to pitch, Kaiser is wary of how his superstition will go over in his new PETA-favoured neighbourhood. "That is one superstition that will never die", vows Kaiser.

There have been those who questioned Wallace's decision to sign Kaiser to such a lucrative contract. 5 teams in 3 years is a feat that few can lay claim to, but Kaiser is certain that this is a team he can actually finish his contract with, and possibly earn an extension. "My last 3 years are something I would rather not talk about, and I might add 3 of those trades were not due to my playing abilities but I had slept with some owners wives and from then on it was all down hill on those teams." Seeing as how most MLB team owners are in their sixties, along with their wives, it solidified the fact that Kaiser had hit rock bottom. "In Haliburton, I will stick to the strippers as a means of booty calls", says Kaiser, who will be happy to know that the Haliburton stripper community is being recognized as the "Next Las Vegas", although this reporter has never visited any of the clubs and is unaware that The Pink Canoe Gentleman's Club and Shrimp Emporium has the best porterhouse this side of the Mississippi.

The upcoming season is one of hopes and dreams for pitcher Chris Kaiser, and also his fans. In order to be successful he needs to "... lay off the Du Maurier's and stay out of flavour country." GM Colin Wallace believes he can do so, which has seemed to spark a fire in Kaiser, as he believes he is "... highly committed to the success of this team..." and he is "... looking forward to his upcoming 3 seasons in Haliburton." Forever a fan of glam rock and a cocky bastard, Kaiser would like to send out a warning to those daring to try and win at Haliburton Stadium this year. "Do you know where the f--- you are??? You're in the jungle baby!!! Wake up... time to ddddiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!"

Roscoe is a Christian and opposed to drinking during the week, even though he was offered a drink several times and suspects his virgin vodka and sprite, which started off smooth, got awful tangy by the last sip during his interview with Christopher Kaiser, and so he suspects Mr. Kaiser spiked his drink. Roscoe also admits that he has never had so much fun playing Guitar Hero, and even made it to Intermediate Level by the end of the evening.

Hook Line N' Sinkers Impressive in Spring Training

But There Is Always Room For Improvement...





By Roscoe Stonewall

HALIBURTON (Haliburton Daily Press Release)
Another winter has passed, and with it so has the weight room sessions, the cardio sessions, time spent with family, and all other ingredients that go into a typical off-season. It is now time, as they say, to play ball. This season, the lights are shining bright on two teams who will make history on opening day by being the first two teams in MLB to be situated in non-metropolitan areas. The Baton Rouge Crustaceans, and the Haliburton Hook Line N' Sinkers.

Haliburton General Manager Colin Wallace is optimistic about the upcoming season, but, he says, his hopes are not too high. "We have a good team here in Haliburton. The area is known for its friendly atmosphere and lazy way of life, and thats how we play ball. Friendly, and lazy." After a heavy off-season which saw many trades, moves, and shuffling around, Wallace believes he has a team that will do well. "Its a great group here. There are a few alcohol issues we have to deal with, and some of our players have already had counseling, but other than that we seem to be on the right track."

"Thats our aim this year, to find that balance. Sauce and ball."

Famed psychologist Holly Imrie, known for her work with alcoholics and people afraid of extension cords, has become an official member of the Haliburton squad. She has already established herself as a powerful voice in the organization, having personally gone into Anne Cowans' locker and dumping the contents of every bottle she found. The minor victory was short lived, as later that night, the police were called to the residence of Anne Cowans on a noise complaint after her keg party got out of hand. Cowans was found in her front yard on a mechanical bull screaming "I ONLY NEED 8 SECONDS FOR THE GOLD MEDAL!" The bull was motionless. Irregardless of this, Imrie is confident her techniques will result in increased numbers from the Hook Line N' Sinkers. Wallace was the first to note that his team is the only one in the league that employs a psychologist who specializes in alcoholics, but Wallace is also first to note that more teams could use this. "Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, Jack Morris, all players who struck a balance between sauce and ball. Thats our aim this year, to find that balance. Sauce and ball."

Everyone in the Hook Line N' Sinkers organization is excited about the upcoming season as well as the fans. A new team, a new stadium which seats 1,304, and 162 games of possibilities. Its a good time to be Haliburtish.


Roscoe Stonewall is a part time columnist for The End Of The Dock and a full time 5-pin bowler. He enjoys short walks on the beach and macramé. Roscoe has written for such publications as Punjab Daily, The Official Light Bulb Lovers Magazine, and Ferns for Happiness. We are greatly indebted to him for agreeing to follow the inaugural season of the Haliburton Hook Line N' Sinkers.

End of the Dock Hires New Reporter

And not a moment too soon...

HALIBURTON (Haliburton Daily Press Release) - The Haliburton Daily has hired a new reporter to follow the upcoming Haliburton Hook Line N' Sinkers during their inaugural season. Roscoe Stonewall joins the Haliburton Daily team and the staff at the Daily as well as those at the End of the Dock would like to take this opportunity to welcome Mr. Stonewall and wish him good luck on this upcoming season.